the will is the weaver

I feel like so much sort of came together this week.  Not in a great way, but in a way it was supposed to; accomplishing just what it was supposed to accomplish (if you believe in that sort of thing).  I got an adult dose of reality.  I got some news I didn't like.  Something that probably should have been reality to me well before it actually was too...it stings worse that way.

My quote with Heather last week and this week had to do with will.  They had to do with finding a way to guide yourself when faced with the constant pull of guiding others.  Perfection for me given the realities that set in this week, and my personality in general (though I'm pretty sure not everyone in my life would agree).  


I thought about our quotes, this one in particular, "The signs of the zodiac are karmic patterns; the planets are the looms; the will is the weaver." when I took yet another shot of myself that I just didn't like.  It set me off.  Set me on this sort of spiral, maybe the universe's way of telling me to prepare myself for what was coming. I didn't really like it.  I didn't seem to like a whole lot of what I was doing.  I still don't.  I didn't love how I felt about my work, or how my work felt about me.  

So, weave in, weave out (invoking Mr. Miyagi here) and learn from it.  It's in my will.  I am the weaver and I'm thinking that a dose of reality is likely what I needed in the first place and more than just likely what I should have seen before it smacked me and laughed at the shocked look on my face. 


This too shall pass, and I know it's the dramatic artist in me that just bathes in this and allows it to swallow her up until she can learn from it.  I'll resurface.  I know.  Until then I'll keep weaving, keep sounding off, keep ignoring realities and keep my head in the clouds and behind the lens (sometimes in front too) because even when it's not fun, it's meant to be.  And...this photo looks horrible on blogger but that's poetic justice too somehow.  I'll take it.

The Threesome I Can't Remember

Astrology can clear up or mix up a person as much as any other psychological, philosophical or religious mirror, a looking glass in the endless mirror hall of life.  ~Markku Siivola

Flashing moments of clarity hit me this week.  Like a stop action film, they came, they went.  I'm in a flurry of activity lately.  Busy, full, bountiful and exhausting.  Being one who overdoes as a rule, and hates being behind on anything is, well, exhausting. 

One stop action moment came this week while talking with my goddess, Heather.  She's my massage therapist, friend, confidant, soul sister and inspiration on much of who I am NOT.  We laugh till we cry sometimes, share stories, discuss issues, share victories and vent.  Truly goddess material here. 

I was sharing with her this odd moment in my past that I hadn't thought about in a long time.  Not that long ago, though sometimes it feels like ages, I was a very lost person.  Looking everywhere for direction and floundering around trying on everyone else's identities in an effort to find my own.  I took far too many suggestions, listened far too little, shut out far too many people, ate far too much food and consumed far too much beer.  I was a mess.  One day I found myself at a local chiropractic clinic.  This particular clinic is alternative in nature and based on some Eastern medicine that is still mysterious to me.  I made my way through session after session though.  Sitting there.  Answering questions.  Wanting so much to be part of something; to get answers I couldn't even understand yet let alone find.  Sigh...hindsight. 

During one session I was required to see an 'emotional specialist' who would help me to uncover the mental blocks to my physiological issues.  I sat with her in this tiny office, silent but for the trickle of the fountain, rows and rows of books around us.  She held my hands, looked into my eyes, talked to me meaningfully and with purpose.  Her conclusion...I was one of three.  I was a triplet.  The only survivor of the three.  Um...what?  Seriously lady? 

Now, I'm not here to judge.  I promise that.  But I guess my recollection of this moment with Heather this week, well, it just struck me as such a load of BS.  Who does that to people?  Who tells someone who is already lost and wandering around, who has just opened their soul up on the table, that they are one of three?  How is that helpful?  "It's the reason you're always searching." she said.  Huh.  Okay.  "It's why you always feel like something is missing.  Because it is.  They are."  Good lord lady...

So I told Heather all of this on the massage table on Monday night.  She stopped the massage several times throughout to listen more intently and to ask questions, to laugh with me, to examine the situation and, after assuring herself that I was not completely warped, to crack some of the funniest one liners I've heard in a LONG time.  Ohhh lord did we laugh.  And when we did...time stopped, for a moment, for a snapshot.  Her head back in pure joy, laughing till she could barely breathe, and me, tears rolling down my cheeks and hands over my eyes giggling there on the massage table. 

So Wednesday rolls around and here I am writing on my blog about what my other goddess, my other Heather, the beautiful and inspirational Libra sister chose as our focus for our weekly collaboration and I'm thinking how strange it is that I conjured up this memory THIS week.  That it is related to our collaborative focus for the week in many, many ways and how while I still don't buy it...maybe, just maybe...the intended message is somehow being heard.  Years later, through experience, hell, love, fighting my own survival and finally some self discovery, I'm finding out that being lost in a stop action world of busy and creative and hellishly behind is what it's like to be me.  Hell yeah.

Allow Yourself To Imagine

Make time for playful endeavors, even if only as a practice to connect with your inner child.

Every moment to myself feels like stealing.  Every single one.  So many parts of my life belong to the agendas of others, virtual or concrete.  I am independent by nature and being penciled in on someone's schedule has never, not ever, been a huge dream of mine.  I lack patience.  I fear for moments lost to menial tasks.  I have very little sense of the here and now and every ounce of my being calls to do more.  It has always been thus.  

Connecting with my inner child?  No sweat.  Laugh, splurge, color the front of a notebook, doodle, eat the whole box of Junior Mints, wonder, skip, twirl, swing, digress.  It's all part of my dance of pretend adulthood.  Playful endeavors are what draw me to the window to watch the sunrise.  They are what keeps me up at 3 in the morning, dreaming of turquoise frosted cupcakes piled high on milky white plates, and what helps me to hear the music of a rustling in the leaves.

I fear losing those moods.  That's one reason photography is so critical a creative outlet for me.  It cracks open my creativity...my inner child.  It lets me find a way to show what I feel, or at least close to what I feel.  It shows the world as I see it.  Murky, sexy, sublime, shy, moody, filled with laughter...without adult obligations.  Just whimsy, and love and light.