Full Moon Push

I plan things out in advance.  I sketch the ideas, pull the mental notes, run the plays in my head.  I'm a planner.  I think I've always been one.  Organizing, pulling together, adding touches of me to the mix.  As an adult this planning things has manifested itself into some pretty ugly outcomes.  I was manic about my kids' schedules when they were babies.  Obviously it didn't hurt them, but it wouldn't have hurt me to relax a bit either.  I've pulled many an 'all nighter' to get the details done for projects, presentations and meetings only to have them brushed over as 'oh that's just organized Vanessa'.  This part of my personality is one I embrace and loathe.  But it came with the package.  With me.  I could no sooner let it go than any of my other personality quirks.

So this week, when I talked to my dad about his desire to see my kids this summer, and to have us travel to Pennsylvania to do so, it was no surprise to me that I was tossed into a little flurry of unsure fervor.  Searching for tickets, weighing options, thinking through and considering feelings.  All the while, being weighed down with obligation and uncertainty.  Two days of trying to make airline plans and trying to mentally wrap my brain around changing everything about how I'd planned my summer.  Ugh.  Damn planner.

As I often do, when things are overwhelming me, I shut everyone out.  Tried to do it myself, tried to find a way to make it all work out just the way I wanted.  Without a plan even.  That rarely works for me.  And also as I often do I stopped mid-freakout, and took a breath.  I read a book I've just started, went to bed a little earlier, grounded myself.  I found a little focus, asked for a little help (thank you Diane, travel agent extraordinaire!), and I'm going to survive. Duh. The outcome won't be what I'd planned.  And I'm okay with that.  I think.  Instead I'll be doing what someone else needs me to do for a while.  I'll be changing up my own ideas and reorganizing them to be all jumbled up again later.  And I'll drag the kids along with me for the ride.  Maybe someday when I'm gone they'll reminisce about their nutty mom who tried to organize the world to fit her vision.  I can only hope.

Heather reminded me this week, through our weekly photo collaboration (which I plan to be more on top of), that more often than not, it's not about my own desires, but about being what others need me to be so I can more easily find some truth for myself.  Too often in hindsight I've felt the pressure of the blinders I put on for the sake of my 'plan', and it's only then that I can see what I've missed.  I'm trying very hard not to let this happen so much anymore.